The holidays are upon us and I want everyone to be extremely careful of the dangerous H0H0 virus, commonly known as chimney flu. If last year’s numbers were any indicator, this year’s pandemic promises to be quite troublesome.
Chimney flu can easily be identified by swelling around the midsection that may be so extreme as to cause distension of the stomach area. In addition, a localized reddening of the faciomaxillary region is common and may also be accompanied by involuntary vocalizations or “chuffing.”
In extreme cases, reports of sudden white hair onset and rapid facial hair growth have also been reported.
Treatments for chimney flu vary widely. In some cases, heavy solutions of ethyl alcohol have been known to alleviate the suffering associated with H0H0 as well as some dairy products of the nog variety. Some success has been had with the application of pastry homoniculi of Zingiber officinale origin, but, much as the ethanol solutions, this treatment must be taken in dangerous excess.
There have also been some folk-treatments discovered throughout rural areas that suggest being in proximity to a poisonous, parasitic, berry-wielding plant may be of some assistance, as well as long walking-meditations with vociferous mantras directed towards the disease, but these treatments have no basis in science and must, therefore, be approached with caution.
In worst case scenarios, kill with fire.